Every time I tried to write I experienced a halt, in thought. Almost as if I was a careful watcher of myself, not to portray any falsehood... As if writing wasn't intricate enough, I was making it harder. As no matter how true I thought I was, I still felt like exaggerating the narrative, or place it in a highly - intellectually - attractive viewpoint. But mostly for the sake of entertainment.
The message had to be re-written. Over and over and over again. Until there was no more coherence in the message but a series of ideas thrown together without any obvious link or meaning between or behind them, to bind them. So I started from a thesis and let it unfold naturally.
There comes a time when you have none around you to mirror anymore. There is none to copy. None to give you sustained, honest feedbacks. None to bounce ideas off of. So you start satisfying all of your social and cognitive needs, to the point where you start playing different psychological roles - just to get some interaction. There are ideas and remarks coming from corners of your mind that you thought were non-existent. It's just that you were never listening.
T wo sides of the same coin, constantly flipping. Switching. Playing with the coin, until you lose it and have to seek for another one. Two feet in two (seemingly) opposing stories.
Because there is a constant demand for interplay. Stepping away from the business of society has shown to be quite a challenge. You suddenly have all this spare time... Away from any distraction. So what do you do? ... Slow down.
But I thought, I am not the first, nor the last one to experience it. It is doable.
At the same time, I found that no matter how far you go, how pretty the scenery, how mellow and warm flowers smell in the evening, how tasty all the exotic fruits are, no matter how grandiose every sunset is, no matter how sublime it paints the surface of the ocean, no matter, all the freedom in the world, is never going to replace the warmth of another human being.
Nor the sense of humor.
Or the unique way of formulating ideas. Or gestures. Or the subtle, unique tonality of voice. Or the way their expression changes, from one moment to the other. Or the way they make you laugh when you're blue. Nothing can replace that.
But here, while I was mulching on these ideas, I suddenly thought about the level of awareness that I was watching and speaking out of. As the preacher is confronted and then silenced by its own verses.
"Beware all false prophets!" - I kept thinking.
And that was it, I kept thinking, and thinking, until thought became substitude for truth. All I ever wanted to avoid.. Huh.
I was experiencing loss - but the moment I was in that state of loneliness I realized, I seldom was able to love, wholly. That is why I felt loss. The loss following an attachment. As it was so rare to have met and interacted from a selfless standpoint. That's what it was.
Because to really love someone is to be present. To pay attention.
But hear, this does not mean to live in a co-dependent bond, but rather, to be engaged, on as many levels as pssible. To really look, and see. And to those I truly loved, without any hidden agenda, or ulterior motives, I never felt attachment. Because attachment is when there is a sense of posession.
And that puts us in a position of ownership.
Therefore, it adds value to our person. But superficial value. Frail, easy to replace.
Therefore when there is loss, there is a sense of need - within the persona. Each within themselves. So, there is no love in its truest sense but a need for validation.
Because there is a tendency to build confidence on other's validation. And validation is only necessary when the watcher is limited to a separated perspective. Can this be put into balance somehow? I may make a conscious decision to share my life with others, but not because I want my needs to be met. Or because it makes me feel special, or secure. But because I love, and because I want to share it. I had to re-write ways I was fundamentally thinking about this. It just did not work anymore.
I may become conscious of my temporary limitations when it comes to attachments, to idealized friendships, over - romanticized relationships.... To having a dream and sticking to it to the point of failure. To holding onto memories, or fantasies... I may become conscious of all of these things I would normally do, based on my conditioning, or just deeply hidden fears, or desires, escapist, wishful thinking. And then let them go, whenever I feel triggered.
Consider all of the conditions for fulfilling a dream work, or a dream bond, or a dream home, or a dream setting, look at it, recognize memories, images, influences, within that dream-world, and then, let them go. Live within a present-state reality.
For reality is always better than dream. You can always make it better. Because it exists. I'm not saying to become ingrained within a palpable realm. But to become aware of the fact that what we may call dreams are beautiful figments of imagination, impressive, fulfilling for a moment, but not what is.
They are a useful tool for knowing ourselves better. I dream because I can uncover parts of my psyche I wouldn't be able otherwise. But never to fall into the illusion of them being as real as existence. Been there, done that.
Just to keep in touch with a reality I am creating through perception, through being, and sometimes, memory. Simple things to keep me grounded, anchored, like physical exhaustion... Movement.
And stepping up the game into a larger view is not that of becoming more intelligent, or wise. But to love more and more openly. For that is the most attractive trait I saw in anyone. Their ability to love. And laugh. I think they go hand in hand.
A sense of wholeness and abundance of being. Sure, we may stumble and fall, but it is only the persona that ever falls.
Your true self only becomes stronger and lighter. I sometimes think, "Jeez, how much more do I have to take?" And then realize.. As much as it takes to become the kindest version of myself, in the present moment... "If you remain the same afterwards, you have not learned a thing,"
And I advise any and all to question, even this, and see for themselves, what is true, what is false. What is efficient, or useful, and what is not.
This is not yet another lecture. Or belief.
It's a way of getting to know ourselves better. And connect.